Real Conversations Work

This is the most honest I've ever been about my ‘why'... A few years ago, there was one person in my team who had become the 'toxic' person that people complained about and I had tried to talk to them with no success for months. I spent more time with them than anyone else, often playing referee and it got so bad that I considered leaving my job. I experienced their tears and frustration as I delivered the messages that no-one else was willing to. I had tried every technique I could find, with no success. I spent a lot of time thinking about this and the night before any meeting, it would be lurking in the back of my mind. One day, after another rubbish conversation, out of frustration, I said: "I feel like I don't know you anymore and I don't how to talk to you. I'm starting to dread every conversation we have. What's going on?" They were really surprised and said that they just couldn't see themself as the difficult person I was describing. We talked about what was going on and promised to keep having these honest conversations. The questions I asked were more powerful than all the other conversations we'd had. It was like I'd waved a magic wand and had the breakthrough I desperately needed. It made me realise that people are rarely honest with others about the impact their behaviour is having on them. We have become so obsessed with not upsetting people that we rarely do them the courtesy of telling them what everyone else is saying. If we thought that someone was keeping this feedback from us, we'd be furious because: "How the hell can I sort this if I don't know about it?" It also made me realise that people don't get out of bed in the morning and think about how to ruin someone's day. Sometimes, sh*t just happens. Since I stumbled on this technique, I've spent years helping leaders and their teams to have these real conversations. I still struggle with these conversations but I know that I need to be brave to feel the instant relief afterwards